This is one post I wasn’t sure about publishing. However, one major part of the overall wellness that I try to promote on this site is having open and honest communication. So, I feel it’s important to share a little bit of my own personal journey in hopes it can help others.
Taking the Wrong Path
There may be times in our journey where we aren't at our best, when we make mistakes, or we take the wrong path, doing things that bring us regret or shame. The world presents this lie that we are supposed to have an 'ideal life' that's always perfect without any blemishes, making these difficult parts of our story, aspects that we want to hide from everyone else. We feel we must be faultless and that we can never admit that we once chose the wrong path in the Forest of Difficult Decisions.
Sure, once we make our way back from this wrong path, we can indeed return to the entrance, telling all the eager adventures just starting their journeys that "I made it through without issues at all, because I'm just that strong". It would be easy to say that, hiding our scraped knees or torn clothes, that would reveal the truth, fearing looks of disappointment if they were to discover that we in fact, failed on our first attempt. And for a time, we feel safe and secure in the knowledge that we avoided detection of our poor path choosing abilities. But before long, the bruises get harder to hide, the rips in our clothes grow bigger from lack of mending, and the weight on our shoulders that we feel from the failure itself becomes heavier on our backs. This my friend is no way live or journey through life.
But there is another way to deal with traveling down these wrong paths. Instead of hiding our poor choices, we embrace them, we learn from them, and we can make efforts to ensure others don't suffer from the same dangers. Instead of pretending we didn't stumble, we could erect signs around the path to warn others of its pitfalls. We could even return to the entrance to the forest, to those same adventurers, and top them before they continue to do one of the most heroic things for them that we can. We could open up and share with them the hardships we overcame to help them avoid the dangers themselves. Or, if we haven’t overcome those hardships yet, we find new party members to join our team and help us overcome them together.
You see, it's not being able to always avoid the wrong paths that makes us heroic, it's the ability to survive these wrong paths with a lesson in our minds and determination in our hearts to ensure that others don't falter over the same rocky paths. It's sharing our pain, our hurts, and our wounds with others that have stumbled down similar paths. It's making sure that no one journeys through the Forest of Difficult Decisions alone, and should they ever have to, that someone who knows what they've been through will be right here by the fire to help them recover when they return. We're all journeying through this life, facing our own demons, hardships, and difficult decisions every day. And while being vulnerable about these things is incredibly difficult, it's far better to not have to face these difficulties alone.
My Story
A few years ago, I was forced to come to terms with the darkest parts of myself. I had lived for almost two decades hiding depression, anger, pain, and the addictions I had turned to self-medicating. I even kept my own family at arm’s length, never letting them know the ‘real me’. I spent my whole life building walls around myself, to the point that I had entrenched myself in a massive fortress of barriers from the outside world. Then I simply projected what I wanted everyone to think was the ‘real me’ out into the world. I tried to pass myself off as being the fully confident, stable, put-together, and happy version of myself that I wished I was. I was constantly afraid, however, that the world would eventually get a peek behind the curtain to see me for the monster I knew that I was, never deserving the love or respect my false self had stolen from those I cared about. It was a life of deceit, regret, as well as deep loneliness and isolation. I never wanted anyone to know the real me, because I knew the moment they discovered my secret, I would be truly alone.
I wish could tell you I did the right thing by seeking help before my life got out of control, but I didn’t. I only started on the restorative road of recovery once my web of lies got me so tangled up that I began making decisions way outside of my values, leading to making the worst decisions of my life. These decisions left my addiction exposed and all my deepest secrets starting spilling out for everyone to see.*
After years of building that fortress around me, it was all destroyed in an instant. It came crumbling down all around me, leaving me to sift through the rubble of the two lives I was leading to try and discover which parts were the real me. No more secrets, no more lies, not even with myself. I had to take a long hard look at who I was and the decisions I had made. I finally realized I needed help and that I needed to go on a long journey of recovery.
In the first few days, I was convinced everyone would abandon me and that I would be on this journey alone. But to my surprise, not only was I not abandoned, but I was surrounded by loved ones who committed to surrounding me with love and support. While I did cause immense pain to my friends and family, I’ve spent the last seven years becoming closer to them than I had ever been before as I finally let them know the real me. As it turns out, the real me wasn’t a monster at all. Sure, I made some monstrous mistakes, but those mistakes don’t define me. I was just wounded and didn’t know how to find recovery on my own. Now I’ve found it, thanks not only to my support system but thanks to quality therapy and 12-Step programs as well.
So, I’ve learned, the hard way, that upholding the lies of a ‘perfect journey’ holds us back from healing, growing, and helping others. Because it’s precisely on these wrong paths that we learn from our mistakes, learning to push forward even harder, becoming stronger in the process. Then, after we learn the dangers of these paths, we can use the knowledge as fuel to light our preverbal lanterns, helping to provide safe passage for others. There may be times we don’t quite make it in time to keep others from taking the same path as us, but even then, we can show them the best medicine to use on their wounds or help them mend the tears in their clothes.
Finally in the end, we can promote a share safe space where wounds, hardships, wrong decisions, and past mistakes can be shared openly without fear or shame. We open our hearts to imperfection, helping to pick each other up when we fall. We can all join around a fire, letting our wounds openly exist in the safety of our shared experiences and trade stories about the perils we all just survived together. Leaning on each other to become better, more whole, better healed versions of ourselves so we can wake up the next day and tackle the next leg of our adventures, together.
*While I’m happy with where I am, it was a painfully difficult road to get this far. I’ve intentionally left my story vague for the safety and privacy of my family and I request that decision be respected.
Enter ‘Quills & Quests’
I’ve learned so much over the past few years about the deep importance of living honestly with yourself and others, and how much health (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual) plays a major part in that life. I’ve discovered so many tools, resources, and strategies that I wish I knew about before I started taking the paths that I took.
I also found creative pursuits to be one of the most helpful resources during my recovery journey. I’ve made new friends, discovered skills I didn’t realize I had, and found a pursuit that brings me a joyous sense of accomplishment. As it turns out, the best way to get rid of bad habits isn’t just ‘quitting’ them (which is part of it) but by pouring time and energy into new habits, like creative endeavors, replacing old habits with more fulfilling ones. So many addictions or self medication methods just stem from the same desire, wanting to cope with or escape from something negative in our lives. Sadly, those methods usually also bring with them shame, regret, and isolation. I now firmly believe that pursuing creative interests with others can provide a healthy amount of escape while also bringing along pride, fulfillment, and community.
Which brings us back full circle to Quills & Quests itself. I’ve found that for me, esaping into the collaborative fantasy world building of Tabletop RPGs checks all the boxes and has been a big part of my own recovery journey. So, with wanting to share the resources I found helpful in my recovery while also wanting to share my love of Tabletop RPGs, I decided to start my own site that finds a way to merge them together in unique package that hopefully makes both more relatable and accessible. I’m learning more about creative art therapy and working to become a Therapeutic Game Master to help weave these together even more.
Starting Your Path
Life gets hard and the journey can often seem overwhelming, but you’re Not alone! If you’re going through a difficult time in your life right now, please reach out to a friend, family member, or mental health professional. Asking for help, especially from liscened counselers, isn’t weakness, but strength. No one should have to journey alone and there are those out there that are willing to help you along yours.
I hope that some things on this site can be helpful as well but just know that the biggest step of recovery or getting through this dark part in your life, is taking the first step. Sometimes, the best way to be a hero, is to be a hero to ourselves and give ourselves the permission to get the help we deserve. I fully believe in you that you’re capable of doing that!
Emergency Resources
If you’re in crisis, please reach out to one of the emergency resources below.
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
"We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States."– 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Quills & Quests 
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